We were happier before we started doing it right.

I recently found out I was doing almost everything wrong, from eating to sleeping. Now I am doing everything as suggested by experts and we're all miserable. 

Last night I cried (along with Thomas) for an hour after he wouldn't go to sleep. Normally after that time I would whip out a boob and comfort us both, but I'm not supposed to depend on the boob for comfort (why the heck not?!? It's always available!). I tried to comfort him without picking him up, which feels so unnatural, until hour number two when I said 'fuck it' and scooped up my crying bed. He curled into and settled; within 10 minutes he was asleep. WHY COULDNT I DO THIS 120 MINUTES AGO?!?! 

Apparently it sends the wrong message.

We had had the day from hell where I worked NOT to response to his cries, NOT to pick him up and NOT to carry him around with me... All things we both enjoy. All things that resulted in a smiling baby and Mummy for most of the day. 

Avoiding all those 'bad things' meant we both cried a lot, no one slept and we both doubted the bond! He's only 3 months for Christ sake! 

Argh! I've read all the books, articles and blogs... My gut says it's too soon to detach, but my doctor (whom I trust after 18 years) thinks it's time.

I am done asking for advice, comparing Thomas to my friends perfect babies and doing anything that doesn't feel natural.

I am ok with a happy baby that loves to cuddle.

No more tears...

Help me!

I thought Thomas and I were doing great, he's a big boy means he's eating well, despite some upsets. He's sleeping mostly through the night (9:30p - 7:30a with 2 or 3 wakings). He's still just little...

Yesterday I called our pediatrician because I had some concerns about his nursing; he seemed to be frustrated/angry after only 6 minutes of eating. I tried different positions and different breasts, nothing would ease his cries. She suggested I weigh him and if he was gaining correctly, then not to concern myself with his new eating habits. She said we might just be getting more efficient. 

I weighed my 14 week old and he is 14lbs 14oz, which I thought was HUGE, but apparently he was following a larger arc and should weigh a little more. He's healthy, but she wants to discuss supplementing at our next appointment. I'm not against it, but I love breast feeding. I love bonding and cuddling and knowing I am the only one in the world that can provide for him. That being said he is a larger baby and it's not uncommon for supplementing to be necessary... Heck, my Mum did it with me. 

Then I asked about the amount of sleep he should be getting daily. I had read anywhere from 14-16 at this age. Thomas usually gets around 12 and that's with me pushing naps most of the day. This is when it was suggested we sleep train, because he should be going to bed earlier and sleeping longer. 

And here I was thinking we were doing great. Excelling even, with lots of new tricks everyday. 

I thought we could ease into it... Start with naps. Figure out 'self soothing' with naps and once that was mastered then work on the overnight.  

Thomas cried for 90minutes straight before I undid all of my patience scooped him up and cuddled him to sleep for an hour, because he was simply exhausted.

Now I am trying to figure out my next step, but I feel like every step is a miss step.

I think I should wait until the weekend when Richard and I can do it together, but in 11 days Thomas is going for his first over night with grandma and I don't want I put in all this work only for it to be undone in one evening. 

I just wish I knew what I was doing... I have no clue and that is more exhausting than the lack of sleep.

The indepth conversations

I used to spend all day basically talking to myself. I would even change my voice and reply for Thomas (because that's less weird). 

Mummy: good morning Buddy

Mummy Thomas: good morning Mummy, I had a wonderful sleep, did you?

Mummy: oh buddy.

But now I get a reply. A coo, a laugh, a moan or even a yell. It's always followed by a big smile as if he is truly pleased with himself (and he should be). Sometimes it evens sounds like words... My favorite is 'Muuuuuummmmm'.

He's growing up and changing SO fast every night we have a new trick to show Dad or a new story to share.

I am completely in love with this little boy, and finally believe he loves me too.

Now we just need to master sleep, falling asleep, staying asleep etc.

Postpartum fitness thwarted.

I miss the gym. I miss working out. I miss sweating and achy. I miss feeling good about my body. I finally went to the gym today for a tour... It was fabulous. The gym is huge and state of the art. It has all my favorite classes and 3 well equipped rooms to do them in. It has a daycare centre with sweet caregivers. It has everything I miss... Sigh.

It has a hefty price tag... Even bigger when I include Thomas. It's $25 bi-weekly PLUS daycare which is $16 bi-weekly or $5 each time. That's over $80 a month just to go the gym 3 times a week... I have $40 a month of free cash since being on Mat Leave. It doesn't balance out and I am devastated. I am feeling letdown and resentful. 

I am also feeling hopeless... How am I ever going to get this weight off??? It's cold and rainy outside which sucks for Thomas and really isn't fair, so running is out. I could try and run in the evening, when Richard is home, but by the time he is home, and settled, its dark out (and even colder). I could also workout in the evenings but that leaves Richard with Thomas every night and most nights he's tired.... Plus the best classss aren't in the evening. Why sit around all day and then cram everything into the 3 hours between Richard getting home and Thomas going to bed??

I am being a whiny brat, but I really needed this... I needed something that made me feel like myself. Something just for me, not as someone's mother or wife. Hmpf! 

I had cashews and chocolate chips for dinner... It was a delicious pity party.

Halloween as a motorcycle racer

This year Thomas went as the first ever Canadian Moto GP Champion #29 Zilla in race 'leathers' just like Daddy's.

I made the costume out of felt and fabric paint, it even glowed in the dark.

We trick or treated around Dads work and then snuggled in and watched cartoons.

It was a great first Halloween!

De-thwarted

Last I wrote I had given up on my fitness dream, because I just couldn't afford it. Well I worked it out and joined LA Fitness... A brand new '*man' gym in Burlington.

It has lots of classes, a pool and hot tub and unlimited daycare. 

Today was my first day... What a trip, my 20 minute workout turned into 3 hours of lugging Thomas around, singing in, changing, driving, last minute diAper change, and shopping and going back for the diaper bag. 

And I loved it! It was the first time I've felt like myself since I got knocked up. I hit that machine hard (for 20 minutes). I didn't have to take it easy, slow down or restrain myself... All things doctor orders while pregnant and in recovery. 

I love being a Mum, but sometimes I don't have time to be me between diaper changes and nursing.

Oh and I was 'that Mum' when I left Thomas... I hesitated, kissed his cheek a dozen times, teared up all while he slept peacefully in his car seat the same place I found him 20minutes later... He slept through my biggest anxiety. That's my boy.

Tomorrow I take on a step class... This time without Tommy. He's staying home with grandma... Another scary first, but I want him to be ok without me, which means time away.

I am excited to start another weight loss journey... 30 pounds to lose. 

Wish me luck!!

*man gym = hardcore gym where fit people go to get fitter and it's filled with muscle.

A long 36hours...

Someone has decided sleep is overrated and he no longer needs it, nor does Mummy. He slept for 7 hours and then NEVER slept again, which I am exaggerating BUT he hasn't slept for longer then 60minutes over the last 36 hours.

I love my son... Come on! If any other being, human or otherwise, kept  me from sleep for this long I would have knocked them out and curled up in their nook for a long peaceful nap. Richard included and I LOVE Richard.

Now I am pleading to the baby gods for 3 consecutive hours tonight... I don't think that's a lot, just enough to reset this Mummy brain.

Please help me.

Ps. It's finally hat weather!!

It's 5:03am...

And it's our first wake up!! Eeeee! That's 7 hours! That's a Thomas first!

Now I am racking my brain about what we did yesterday that was SO different and how do I duplicate it! 

Oh and I didn't nurse him to sleep (like always) I put him down drowsy and waited with him.

What??

I'm so happy and confused.

Funny part... It wasn't crying that woke me up, it was poo. I heard it. I didn't wake him up so I waited...

Ha! Motherhood is weird.

Love!

... Maybe he should always sleep in a box...?

No cry zones

There are two No-Cry zones. We're not sure why Thomas picked them, but the crying, for any reason, stops in these zones.

Zone 1 - The changetable aka 'the half pipe'. As soon as he lays down the crying stops, get the diaper off and the smiles start, wiggle his right leg and the giggles come. Every. Single. Time.

Zone 2 - The stairs. Step one he quiets, step three he smiles and step five he laughs. Every. Single. Time. I think it's the view (he loves being high) or the fear, he quiets so we focus and don't trip. 

Does your little person have any no cry zones?

Love!

Mummy

Pep talks...

Does anyone else have the 'I'm not a bad mother because...' internal pep talks while your baby cries?

Thomas was crying while I left him to go to the bathroom... I'm not a bad mother, but if I cross my legs any tighter my bladder will explode.

Thomas cried while Daddy tried to burp him... I'm not a bad mother Daddy needs to learn without me telling him how to do it and I'm not a bad mother, a lingering burp will cause havoc.

I'm not a bad Mother, I just want ONE picture of us together.

I'm not a bad mother, but I haven't eaten in 15 hours and I can't butter toast with one hand.

I hate to let him cry and feel so guilty, but sometimes I just need to eat, pee or shower. I catch myself pep talking all the time explaining to Thomas and myself that I love him, I'm not a bad mother, but I need to get x y and z done.

Oh Mummy!

It's 2:51am...

What are YOU doing? I'm feeding the little man and browsing Facebook... My desperate attempt to 'keep in touch' with my old life.

Oh and searching through the Gerber Life contest to vote for all of Thomas's pictures.

Today's picture...

I know! He's freaking adorable!

He slept for 3:53 tonight... It's not a record, but it's something!

That's all... Wish me sleep.

Love!

Mummy

To swaddle...?

I swaddle Thomas. It signals bedtime... 3 months and we're still getting the hang of it.

Tommy spent the first 2 weeks swaddled 24/7. We didn't know anything different, just a diaper and 2 blankets (to reign in his fierce kicks). We discussed sleepers on day 15, but it felt weird. Besides swaddling worked, little did we know I was doing COMPLETELY wrong and risked hurting my wee man every night (this is a possible exaggeration, but the sleep expert scared me enough to go out and buy all new blankets)

We were using recieving blankets, a basic flannel, legs tucked in and tight. 

During the Guinness book of record swaddling challenge (yea we are apart of it) 

I learned about muslin sheets and proper techniques. I did that for a week, but as you can see from the demonstration, my kid (the only screaming one) wasn't into it.

Tonight we're use the swaddle me blanket and the kicks are contained... for now.

 

And after all of this thought... I want to be swaddled. Is that weird? I want to know what it's like. Hmmm... 

Stay tuned. 

Love!

Tommy Talks

#tommytalks (check twitter)

Boob?

Breast feeding is weird. Full stop.

I'm pro-boob, but only cause it works for us. Tommy came out smacking his lips and took to the boob with ease. I struggled, I mean I had plenty of milk, but no nozzle (it's inverted). His persistence (and my midwives) are the only reason we made it work... That and a magical nipple shield (a fancy little plastic thing that allows baby to latch). Oh and I am cheap... formula was an expense and I wanted to avoid that cost.

Yes there are a million benefits, but I'm not here to preach... Do what works and this works for us, but it's weird.

This little junky can't get enough, just the smell of it and his eyes roll back into his head and he cries until I gear up. Then he gets on with things and his whole body relaxes... Except his busy little feet, I can feel them tickling my free arm while he eats. And his hands are always trying to help, occasionally smacking the boob to keep things flowing.

It's just weird.

A little person getting all his nutrients from my breast while I blog about the oddity of it. 

It's weird and sweet... It's such an innocent moment, sometimes he dozes off, sometimes his eyes are wide and curious, sometimes he passes out, we call it milk drunk; glazed over eyes, small sighs between short breaths... Honest bliss.

I use this moment to bask in his cute and pick at him... Fix his hair, bite his nails and clean his ears... Weird.

And funny... Once we both fell asleep while nursing, he woke up first thrilled no one had cleared the table and tried to go for seconds... With just his tongue, I woke confused and embarrassed while Richard looked on and laughed. 

To conclude... Boobs=weird=good.

Love!

Mummy

What is happening?!?

I have no idea what I am doing. I love my kid (because he's is the cutest thing ever created), but I'm not sure he even likes me. We spend most of our days negotiating sleep, confirming poop and eating. 

The quick introduction... I'm Mum or Mummy (not Mom or Mommy). I used to be Melanie, creative writer and loving wife, but those titles seem to be fading away even my dear husband calls me 'Mummy'... 'Mummy someone needs a bum change', 'Oh, Mummy baby is hungry' and 'Yo, Mum where's the milk?' most uttered with an adorable Tommy-Esque voice.

Tommy (Thomas, Tom, little Man, Wee Man, fussypants... Etc.) is my baby boy, my first born, the light in my eyes... etc. etc. He was yanked out of my belly during an emergency C-section on July 29th at 8:39a. He weighed a whopping 8lbs 15.7oz, which surprised all of us (he was predicted 13+). He is now 12 weeks old and gets cuter on the daily (cuter=not crying all the time). In fact my little nugget is sound asleep on my chest as I type... Which is kinda of my favorite thing despite all the 'rules' (never let your kid fall asleep on you and/or don't rock your baby to sleep, which I happily do daily and, like a child, I stick my tongue out at all the naysayers).

I could fill pages describing him in great detail, but a picture is worth a thousand words...

Need more?

You're welcome.

Next is Dad, he's my loving husband and former man of the house (replaced by the baby, not some unfortunate event). He's a warehouse manager and a big kid, which proved to be good practice for Thomas. He's my best friend and I love him so much... despite what future posts may say (I'm going to work to share honest situations, which will include celebrations AND frustrations). He loves my son and it melts my heart when I catch them in a heated debate.

... in Ninja Turtle Pants *swoon*

It's just the three of us tucked in a 2 bedroom townhouse, one block from our best friends and 45-minutes from my in-laws. 

I need my community of Moms to keep me sane... What better way to connect than by sharing my stories and asking for theirs? 

My next and final note, because someone is waking up and he's hungry, please leave comments... Share with me as I share with you.

Love & Giggles

Mummy