We were happier before we started doing it right.

I recently found out I was doing almost everything wrong, from eating to sleeping. Now I am doing everything as suggested by experts and we're all miserable. 

Last night I cried (along with Thomas) for an hour after he wouldn't go to sleep. Normally after that time I would whip out a boob and comfort us both, but I'm not supposed to depend on the boob for comfort (why the heck not?!? It's always available!). I tried to comfort him without picking him up, which feels so unnatural, until hour number two when I said 'fuck it' and scooped up my crying bed. He curled into and settled; within 10 minutes he was asleep. WHY COULDNT I DO THIS 120 MINUTES AGO?!?! 

Apparently it sends the wrong message.

We had had the day from hell where I worked NOT to response to his cries, NOT to pick him up and NOT to carry him around with me... All things we both enjoy. All things that resulted in a smiling baby and Mummy for most of the day. 

Avoiding all those 'bad things' meant we both cried a lot, no one slept and we both doubted the bond! He's only 3 months for Christ sake! 

Argh! I've read all the books, articles and blogs... My gut says it's too soon to detach, but my doctor (whom I trust after 18 years) thinks it's time.

I am done asking for advice, comparing Thomas to my friends perfect babies and doing anything that doesn't feel natural.

I am ok with a happy baby that loves to cuddle.

No more tears...

Help me!

I thought Thomas and I were doing great, he's a big boy means he's eating well, despite some upsets. He's sleeping mostly through the night (9:30p - 7:30a with 2 or 3 wakings). He's still just little...

Yesterday I called our pediatrician because I had some concerns about his nursing; he seemed to be frustrated/angry after only 6 minutes of eating. I tried different positions and different breasts, nothing would ease his cries. She suggested I weigh him and if he was gaining correctly, then not to concern myself with his new eating habits. She said we might just be getting more efficient. 

I weighed my 14 week old and he is 14lbs 14oz, which I thought was HUGE, but apparently he was following a larger arc and should weigh a little more. He's healthy, but she wants to discuss supplementing at our next appointment. I'm not against it, but I love breast feeding. I love bonding and cuddling and knowing I am the only one in the world that can provide for him. That being said he is a larger baby and it's not uncommon for supplementing to be necessary... Heck, my Mum did it with me. 

Then I asked about the amount of sleep he should be getting daily. I had read anywhere from 14-16 at this age. Thomas usually gets around 12 and that's with me pushing naps most of the day. This is when it was suggested we sleep train, because he should be going to bed earlier and sleeping longer. 

And here I was thinking we were doing great. Excelling even, with lots of new tricks everyday. 

I thought we could ease into it... Start with naps. Figure out 'self soothing' with naps and once that was mastered then work on the overnight.  

Thomas cried for 90minutes straight before I undid all of my patience scooped him up and cuddled him to sleep for an hour, because he was simply exhausted.

Now I am trying to figure out my next step, but I feel like every step is a miss step.

I think I should wait until the weekend when Richard and I can do it together, but in 11 days Thomas is going for his first over night with grandma and I don't want I put in all this work only for it to be undone in one evening. 

I just wish I knew what I was doing... I have no clue and that is more exhausting than the lack of sleep.

The indepth conversations

I used to spend all day basically talking to myself. I would even change my voice and reply for Thomas (because that's less weird). 

Mummy: good morning Buddy

Mummy Thomas: good morning Mummy, I had a wonderful sleep, did you?

Mummy: oh buddy.

But now I get a reply. A coo, a laugh, a moan or even a yell. It's always followed by a big smile as if he is truly pleased with himself (and he should be). Sometimes it evens sounds like words... My favorite is 'Muuuuuummmmm'.

He's growing up and changing SO fast every night we have a new trick to show Dad or a new story to share.

I am completely in love with this little boy, and finally believe he loves me too.

Now we just need to master sleep, falling asleep, staying asleep etc.

Postpartum fitness thwarted.

I miss the gym. I miss working out. I miss sweating and achy. I miss feeling good about my body. I finally went to the gym today for a tour... It was fabulous. The gym is huge and state of the art. It has all my favorite classes and 3 well equipped rooms to do them in. It has a daycare centre with sweet caregivers. It has everything I miss... Sigh.

It has a hefty price tag... Even bigger when I include Thomas. It's $25 bi-weekly PLUS daycare which is $16 bi-weekly or $5 each time. That's over $80 a month just to go the gym 3 times a week... I have $40 a month of free cash since being on Mat Leave. It doesn't balance out and I am devastated. I am feeling letdown and resentful. 

I am also feeling hopeless... How am I ever going to get this weight off??? It's cold and rainy outside which sucks for Thomas and really isn't fair, so running is out. I could try and run in the evening, when Richard is home, but by the time he is home, and settled, its dark out (and even colder). I could also workout in the evenings but that leaves Richard with Thomas every night and most nights he's tired.... Plus the best classss aren't in the evening. Why sit around all day and then cram everything into the 3 hours between Richard getting home and Thomas going to bed??

I am being a whiny brat, but I really needed this... I needed something that made me feel like myself. Something just for me, not as someone's mother or wife. Hmpf! 

I had cashews and chocolate chips for dinner... It was a delicious pity party.

Halloween as a motorcycle racer

This year Thomas went as the first ever Canadian Moto GP Champion #29 Zilla in race 'leathers' just like Daddy's.

I made the costume out of felt and fabric paint, it even glowed in the dark.

We trick or treated around Dads work and then snuggled in and watched cartoons.

It was a great first Halloween!

De-thwarted

Last I wrote I had given up on my fitness dream, because I just couldn't afford it. Well I worked it out and joined LA Fitness... A brand new '*man' gym in Burlington.

It has lots of classes, a pool and hot tub and unlimited daycare. 

Today was my first day... What a trip, my 20 minute workout turned into 3 hours of lugging Thomas around, singing in, changing, driving, last minute diAper change, and shopping and going back for the diaper bag. 

And I loved it! It was the first time I've felt like myself since I got knocked up. I hit that machine hard (for 20 minutes). I didn't have to take it easy, slow down or restrain myself... All things doctor orders while pregnant and in recovery. 

I love being a Mum, but sometimes I don't have time to be me between diaper changes and nursing.

Oh and I was 'that Mum' when I left Thomas... I hesitated, kissed his cheek a dozen times, teared up all while he slept peacefully in his car seat the same place I found him 20minutes later... He slept through my biggest anxiety. That's my boy.

Tomorrow I take on a step class... This time without Tommy. He's staying home with grandma... Another scary first, but I want him to be ok without me, which means time away.

I am excited to start another weight loss journey... 30 pounds to lose. 

Wish me luck!!

*man gym = hardcore gym where fit people go to get fitter and it's filled with muscle.