Was it like this?

Since no one reads this and it is more for my own musings... Here is a post about baby number 2.

We are working on baby #2 and so far it is way more fun than baby #1... we both feel less pressure. I am also not reading EVER website, article and magazine about the 'how-tos' of making a human being.

I don't think Richard is completely on board, but he's having a good time when he does 'board'.

It's different because I don't remember. I can't remember how it felt to get pregnant, like the firs tfew days after the deed, but before the test. How does that work? Are things happening while I go about my day?

I'm trying to be relaxed and easy going, but I will be sad everytime it doesn't work.

I know I ovulate early. I know I have probably already ovulated this cycle and its only day 12. I know I have 14 days to wait and see what's going on. I'm not anxious. I don't have the day circled on my calender. Selfishly I wish I could know before Saturday, when we're have a huge bash at our place... which I won't be drinking at - but I could be, if I knew.

It's just different this time.

I look at Thomas and swell with love. He is just a good time, but it took at least 12 months to get him there... he was not a good time for a solid 6 months. So add that to the 9 months of pregnancy and i am committing to a year and a half of suck. It's all worth it, but I remember being tired and fat. I remember being angry and nervous.

Who knows? Will this time be better? Will I be calmer?

And AND I already fell into the trap I swore I wouldn't, the excuse not to workout trap, because I don't want to wiggle the baby right out of my vagina, which I know FOR CERTAIN, can't happen.

So... I should update Fitness-esque.blogspot.com today at some point.

xo

One Year Check up!

Yes, its a few weeks late, but this Mummy was putting off the pain of needles for her little man.

Dining on the finest crackers money can buy

Although after yesterday I am sure I am a bigger wimp than he is. He squawked as the needled jabbed his perfect little arm, but within 20 seconds he was laughing and smile. What a little trooper. And he is cute to boot.

I got to spend all day with Thomas yesterday and I loved every second of it. We cuddled and snuggled, played at the park and had a picnic. He is the perfect lunch date.

playing with Mummy all day is exhausting

Thomas is still topping the charts and weighed in yesterday at 24.49 lbs. I was expected more, but that is still a big little man. His height and head size is in the 97th percentile. We're big people.

He's awesome. That's all I really snuck in to report.

He is so awesome I want more. Now.

Let's start a petition to get Daddy to make another baby... he thinks space and money are important, I say PUH-SHAW! Love is all we need.

xo

At the park and loving it!

And for fun... Thomas in his motorcycle leathers
and the boots!

Week Two

I could happily write about Thomas and all the silliness that is him.

We had a wonderful long weekend, which only added to the confusion of today. Thomas was sure his days of the dreaded DAYCARE were over, having spent three blissful days with Mummy and Daddy and then BAM!! back to a strangers house. Good Luck little man.

I just wish I could explain life to him, the need for a pay cheque and my dream of being at home with him all day, but I can't. He just has to cry it out.

It's easiest on me. I don't have to pack him up in the morning or hand him over. I don't have to watch him reach for me as I walk away AND thank GOODNESS. I wouldn't do it. I also don't have to be the stranger receiving the screaming child. I get to be the simple hero, the one that shows up after a long day and brings him home, smothers him in kisses and tickles his little baby cheeks. He loves me in that moment, more then anyone else. I squish his little face and smooch him RIGHT ON THE LIPS.

It's a huge boost to my self-esteem, having doubts whether he loved me at all most days (my issue, not his). I didn't bond with him the way I expected. He have are little conversations that no one else understands and he lets me smooch him, like no one else. We cuddle and play... he loves me, but sometimes I forget how much; sometimes I am wrapped up in how much I love him.

Even right now as I am killing time at my desk 80km away from him I am wishing I was hanging out with him in the living room. We would be watching Phineas and Ferb, he'd probably be sitting in his ball pit with cracker hanging from his lips. He would giggle every time I would call to him to 'Come here.' Then with impatience I would ambush him and he would fall down laughing as he tried to escape, but I would smother him in kisses and that would be the end of him. We'd probably share an applesauce and then think about heading upstairs for a nap, probably making a pit-stop in the BIG bed for a little Grover time. It would probably be awesome.

I miss the little fart.

Day One - Real Life

It's my first day back to work... I'm clearly overwhelmed with work *eye roll* 

Nothing has changed, which is comforting and I am sure the level of stress will escalate once my email/computer are at 100%. Right now I am waiting on updates and sitting patiently waiting for work. It's not such a bad thing, I am underwhelmed and relieved. 

I am worried about my little man. It was his first morning without me and so far its been rough on him. Holly has sent me pictures and updates, but he's a sad little dude and I want to go rescue him RIGHT NOW. I have 29 minutes left. 

Just enough time to do three months of catch up. 

Thomas is ONE. My baby is a toddler.... a walking, talking personality who makes me laugh EVERY day. He's determined and lets it be known. Although his fits are short and easily rectified with something shiny, the tears still break my heart. Over the last three months he has figured out walking and my iPhone. His favorite thing is to snuggle on my lap and watch YouTube, mostly Muppets. 

We had a HUGE party for him this past weekend... Richard thought I was insane trying to pull it off, but it was awesome. We hosted a intimate picnic for 60 at the park near our house. It was red and white checkers with baskets and twine. We had sandwiches, apples and death by chocolate, TWO cakes and a water fight, which was more successful than I could have imagined. Everyone had a blast, including the birthday boy who left the party exhausted and covered in blue icing. 

Mummy and Daddy got Thomas more balls for his pit and a HUGE Ninja Turtle ball the same size as him to kick around at the park. Grandma and Pop(ples) got him a motorcycle and in the first 10 minutes he had it figured it. Thomas grabbed the throttle, threw his leg over and took off. 

Ummm.... 3 months seems like so long, yet we did a lot of the same. Dozens of trips to the park, lots of naps and plenty of ice cream. Thomas and I bonded in a way I didn't expect. He learned how to kiss... albeit open mouthed and slobbery. He learned to dance. He figured out how to make his intentions known and he made new friends. 

What a life. I am thrilled to be back at it, but I miss him SO much. 

It just keeps getting better!

xoxo

9 months and 21lbs

I am so completely in love. I can be honest and say it took a long time to fall in love with my little ball of goo. I knew I was supposed to love him, protect him and care for him, but that deep rooted connection wasn't there. It was scary, sad and hard to admit. How could I not love this fragile little person? This little wiggly being needed me. I did everything I was expected to do, but cried at night; afraid he felt it too, nervous he wouldn't flourish because Mummy was broken. 

9 months later he is my everything not because he is supposed to be, but because he is. My world is wrapped up in him and I can happily admit, his world is me. He cries for me, snuggles me and loves me more then anyone else. I'm always his first choice... a feeling I am still getting used to.

We have inside jokes and secret conversations. We laugh for no reason and cuddle every night. 

I can't even express how his unconditional love has changed me... It's new and wonderful and something I never expected. 

Daycares!

Ah! 

This is so completely stressful! 

More to follow. 

He's independent enough... Right?!? 

1st birthday parties!

Thomas had another birthday party this weekend, my little man is a social butterfly!

We loves kids, puts on the silly hat and cries to leave before the cake comes out.

But he looks good doing it!

Love you buddy! 

Ps. This was our second birthday at a rented hall, is that a thing??? Should I start planning (and saving) now for Thomas's first birthday... In 6 months??

Pps... Here is the first 1st birthday party...

We've been busy growing up

Thomas is 6 months old... that alone is amazing.

Right now he is tucked away in his own room sound asleep and will stay there for the next 8 hours... he sleeps most nights until 5am, wakes for a feeding and then sleeps again until 8am.

He is exhausted tonight, we came home for swimming (for the firs time) and went straight in the tub with Mummy before a story and sleep.

So much has happen since my last post I don't even know where to start... or end. Here is my Facebook post celebrating Thomas's half birthday, which sums up everything beautifully and then pictures!

Happy HALF BIRTHDAY Thomas! What a half-year it's been! He's taught me so much as he discovers the world.

As I type this his busy little hand is reaching for something to hold on to; he finds the soft blanket, we're wrapped in, and gets lo...st in the new texture. Everything is an experience.

Today Thomas can sit up alone, roll over both ways, briefly stand unassisted, he can carry a conversation and get your attention with a yell. Thomas can blow raspberries and loves to laugh, he makes faces and growls, he cuddles and falls asleep in my arms. Thomas has tried carrots and sweet potatoes, apple sauce and just last night shared my ice cream cone.

He amazes me constantly and I truly miss him when he's gone, even just to sleep. He is wild and crazy, rough and tumble. He is growing into MY little boy. He's sat in a high chair at a restaurant, slept over at grandmas house, endured puppy kisses and barks, sprouted a tooth and learned his name.

He does make me crazy at times, but so does his dad.

We've celebrated thanksgiving, Christmas and smooched at midnight on New Year's Eve.

I truly love the little man with every part of my swelled heart.

 

 

We were happier before we started doing it right.

I recently found out I was doing almost everything wrong, from eating to sleeping. Now I am doing everything as suggested by experts and we're all miserable. 

Last night I cried (along with Thomas) for an hour after he wouldn't go to sleep. Normally after that time I would whip out a boob and comfort us both, but I'm not supposed to depend on the boob for comfort (why the heck not?!? It's always available!). I tried to comfort him without picking him up, which feels so unnatural, until hour number two when I said 'fuck it' and scooped up my crying bed. He curled into and settled; within 10 minutes he was asleep. WHY COULDNT I DO THIS 120 MINUTES AGO?!?! 

Apparently it sends the wrong message.

We had had the day from hell where I worked NOT to response to his cries, NOT to pick him up and NOT to carry him around with me... All things we both enjoy. All things that resulted in a smiling baby and Mummy for most of the day. 

Avoiding all those 'bad things' meant we both cried a lot, no one slept and we both doubted the bond! He's only 3 months for Christ sake! 

Argh! I've read all the books, articles and blogs... My gut says it's too soon to detach, but my doctor (whom I trust after 18 years) thinks it's time.

I am done asking for advice, comparing Thomas to my friends perfect babies and doing anything that doesn't feel natural.

I am ok with a happy baby that loves to cuddle.

No more tears...

Help me!

I thought Thomas and I were doing great, he's a big boy means he's eating well, despite some upsets. He's sleeping mostly through the night (9:30p - 7:30a with 2 or 3 wakings). He's still just little...

Yesterday I called our pediatrician because I had some concerns about his nursing; he seemed to be frustrated/angry after only 6 minutes of eating. I tried different positions and different breasts, nothing would ease his cries. She suggested I weigh him and if he was gaining correctly, then not to concern myself with his new eating habits. She said we might just be getting more efficient. 

I weighed my 14 week old and he is 14lbs 14oz, which I thought was HUGE, but apparently he was following a larger arc and should weigh a little more. He's healthy, but she wants to discuss supplementing at our next appointment. I'm not against it, but I love breast feeding. I love bonding and cuddling and knowing I am the only one in the world that can provide for him. That being said he is a larger baby and it's not uncommon for supplementing to be necessary... Heck, my Mum did it with me. 

Then I asked about the amount of sleep he should be getting daily. I had read anywhere from 14-16 at this age. Thomas usually gets around 12 and that's with me pushing naps most of the day. This is when it was suggested we sleep train, because he should be going to bed earlier and sleeping longer. 

And here I was thinking we were doing great. Excelling even, with lots of new tricks everyday. 

I thought we could ease into it... Start with naps. Figure out 'self soothing' with naps and once that was mastered then work on the overnight.  

Thomas cried for 90minutes straight before I undid all of my patience scooped him up and cuddled him to sleep for an hour, because he was simply exhausted.

Now I am trying to figure out my next step, but I feel like every step is a miss step.

I think I should wait until the weekend when Richard and I can do it together, but in 11 days Thomas is going for his first over night with grandma and I don't want I put in all this work only for it to be undone in one evening. 

I just wish I knew what I was doing... I have no clue and that is more exhausting than the lack of sleep.

The indepth conversations

I used to spend all day basically talking to myself. I would even change my voice and reply for Thomas (because that's less weird). 

Mummy: good morning Buddy

Mummy Thomas: good morning Mummy, I had a wonderful sleep, did you?

Mummy: oh buddy.

But now I get a reply. A coo, a laugh, a moan or even a yell. It's always followed by a big smile as if he is truly pleased with himself (and he should be). Sometimes it evens sounds like words... My favorite is 'Muuuuuummmmm'.

He's growing up and changing SO fast every night we have a new trick to show Dad or a new story to share.

I am completely in love with this little boy, and finally believe he loves me too.

Now we just need to master sleep, falling asleep, staying asleep etc.

Postpartum fitness thwarted.

I miss the gym. I miss working out. I miss sweating and achy. I miss feeling good about my body. I finally went to the gym today for a tour... It was fabulous. The gym is huge and state of the art. It has all my favorite classes and 3 well equipped rooms to do them in. It has a daycare centre with sweet caregivers. It has everything I miss... Sigh.

It has a hefty price tag... Even bigger when I include Thomas. It's $25 bi-weekly PLUS daycare which is $16 bi-weekly or $5 each time. That's over $80 a month just to go the gym 3 times a week... I have $40 a month of free cash since being on Mat Leave. It doesn't balance out and I am devastated. I am feeling letdown and resentful. 

I am also feeling hopeless... How am I ever going to get this weight off??? It's cold and rainy outside which sucks for Thomas and really isn't fair, so running is out. I could try and run in the evening, when Richard is home, but by the time he is home, and settled, its dark out (and even colder). I could also workout in the evenings but that leaves Richard with Thomas every night and most nights he's tired.... Plus the best classss aren't in the evening. Why sit around all day and then cram everything into the 3 hours between Richard getting home and Thomas going to bed??

I am being a whiny brat, but I really needed this... I needed something that made me feel like myself. Something just for me, not as someone's mother or wife. Hmpf! 

I had cashews and chocolate chips for dinner... It was a delicious pity party.

Halloween as a motorcycle racer

This year Thomas went as the first ever Canadian Moto GP Champion #29 Zilla in race 'leathers' just like Daddy's.

I made the costume out of felt and fabric paint, it even glowed in the dark.

We trick or treated around Dads work and then snuggled in and watched cartoons.

It was a great first Halloween!

De-thwarted

Last I wrote I had given up on my fitness dream, because I just couldn't afford it. Well I worked it out and joined LA Fitness... A brand new '*man' gym in Burlington.

It has lots of classes, a pool and hot tub and unlimited daycare. 

Today was my first day... What a trip, my 20 minute workout turned into 3 hours of lugging Thomas around, singing in, changing, driving, last minute diAper change, and shopping and going back for the diaper bag. 

And I loved it! It was the first time I've felt like myself since I got knocked up. I hit that machine hard (for 20 minutes). I didn't have to take it easy, slow down or restrain myself... All things doctor orders while pregnant and in recovery. 

I love being a Mum, but sometimes I don't have time to be me between diaper changes and nursing.

Oh and I was 'that Mum' when I left Thomas... I hesitated, kissed his cheek a dozen times, teared up all while he slept peacefully in his car seat the same place I found him 20minutes later... He slept through my biggest anxiety. That's my boy.

Tomorrow I take on a step class... This time without Tommy. He's staying home with grandma... Another scary first, but I want him to be ok without me, which means time away.

I am excited to start another weight loss journey... 30 pounds to lose. 

Wish me luck!!

*man gym = hardcore gym where fit people go to get fitter and it's filled with muscle.

A long 36hours...

Someone has decided sleep is overrated and he no longer needs it, nor does Mummy. He slept for 7 hours and then NEVER slept again, which I am exaggerating BUT he hasn't slept for longer then 60minutes over the last 36 hours.

I love my son... Come on! If any other being, human or otherwise, kept  me from sleep for this long I would have knocked them out and curled up in their nook for a long peaceful nap. Richard included and I LOVE Richard.

Now I am pleading to the baby gods for 3 consecutive hours tonight... I don't think that's a lot, just enough to reset this Mummy brain.

Please help me.

Ps. It's finally hat weather!!

It's 5:03am...

And it's our first wake up!! Eeeee! That's 7 hours! That's a Thomas first!

Now I am racking my brain about what we did yesterday that was SO different and how do I duplicate it! 

Oh and I didn't nurse him to sleep (like always) I put him down drowsy and waited with him.

What??

I'm so happy and confused.

Funny part... It wasn't crying that woke me up, it was poo. I heard it. I didn't wake him up so I waited...

Ha! Motherhood is weird.

Love!

... Maybe he should always sleep in a box...?

No cry zones

There are two No-Cry zones. We're not sure why Thomas picked them, but the crying, for any reason, stops in these zones.

Zone 1 - The changetable aka 'the half pipe'. As soon as he lays down the crying stops, get the diaper off and the smiles start, wiggle his right leg and the giggles come. Every. Single. Time.

Zone 2 - The stairs. Step one he quiets, step three he smiles and step five he laughs. Every. Single. Time. I think it's the view (he loves being high) or the fear, he quiets so we focus and don't trip. 

Does your little person have any no cry zones?

Love!

Mummy

Pep talks...

Does anyone else have the 'I'm not a bad mother because...' internal pep talks while your baby cries?

Thomas was crying while I left him to go to the bathroom... I'm not a bad mother, but if I cross my legs any tighter my bladder will explode.

Thomas cried while Daddy tried to burp him... I'm not a bad mother Daddy needs to learn without me telling him how to do it and I'm not a bad mother, a lingering burp will cause havoc.

I'm not a bad Mother, I just want ONE picture of us together.

I'm not a bad mother, but I haven't eaten in 15 hours and I can't butter toast with one hand.

I hate to let him cry and feel so guilty, but sometimes I just need to eat, pee or shower. I catch myself pep talking all the time explaining to Thomas and myself that I love him, I'm not a bad mother, but I need to get x y and z done.

Oh Mummy!

It's 2:51am...

What are YOU doing? I'm feeding the little man and browsing Facebook... My desperate attempt to 'keep in touch' with my old life.

Oh and searching through the Gerber Life contest to vote for all of Thomas's pictures.

Today's picture...

I know! He's freaking adorable!

He slept for 3:53 tonight... It's not a record, but it's something!

That's all... Wish me sleep.

Love!

Mummy

To swaddle...?

I swaddle Thomas. It signals bedtime... 3 months and we're still getting the hang of it.

Tommy spent the first 2 weeks swaddled 24/7. We didn't know anything different, just a diaper and 2 blankets (to reign in his fierce kicks). We discussed sleepers on day 15, but it felt weird. Besides swaddling worked, little did we know I was doing COMPLETELY wrong and risked hurting my wee man every night (this is a possible exaggeration, but the sleep expert scared me enough to go out and buy all new blankets)

We were using recieving blankets, a basic flannel, legs tucked in and tight. 

During the Guinness book of record swaddling challenge (yea we are apart of it) 

I learned about muslin sheets and proper techniques. I did that for a week, but as you can see from the demonstration, my kid (the only screaming one) wasn't into it.

Tonight we're use the swaddle me blanket and the kicks are contained... for now.

 

And after all of this thought... I want to be swaddled. Is that weird? I want to know what it's like. Hmmm... 

Stay tuned. 

Love!