9 months and 21lbs

I am so completely in love. I can be honest and say it took a long time to fall in love with my little ball of goo. I knew I was supposed to love him, protect him and care for him, but that deep rooted connection wasn't there. It was scary, sad and hard to admit. How could I not love this fragile little person? This little wiggly being needed me. I did everything I was expected to do, but cried at night; afraid he felt it too, nervous he wouldn't flourish because Mummy was broken. 

9 months later he is my everything not because he is supposed to be, but because he is. My world is wrapped up in him and I can happily admit, his world is me. He cries for me, snuggles me and loves me more then anyone else. I'm always his first choice... a feeling I am still getting used to.

We have inside jokes and secret conversations. We laugh for no reason and cuddle every night. 

I can't even express how his unconditional love has changed me... It's new and wonderful and something I never expected. 

Daycares!

Ah! 

This is so completely stressful! 

More to follow. 

He's independent enough... Right?!? 

1st birthday parties!

Thomas had another birthday party this weekend, my little man is a social butterfly!

We loves kids, puts on the silly hat and cries to leave before the cake comes out.

But he looks good doing it!

Love you buddy! 

Ps. This was our second birthday at a rented hall, is that a thing??? Should I start planning (and saving) now for Thomas's first birthday... In 6 months??

Pps... Here is the first 1st birthday party...

We've been busy growing up

Thomas is 6 months old... that alone is amazing.

Right now he is tucked away in his own room sound asleep and will stay there for the next 8 hours... he sleeps most nights until 5am, wakes for a feeding and then sleeps again until 8am.

He is exhausted tonight, we came home for swimming (for the firs time) and went straight in the tub with Mummy before a story and sleep.

So much has happen since my last post I don't even know where to start... or end. Here is my Facebook post celebrating Thomas's half birthday, which sums up everything beautifully and then pictures!

Happy HALF BIRTHDAY Thomas! What a half-year it's been! He's taught me so much as he discovers the world.

As I type this his busy little hand is reaching for something to hold on to; he finds the soft blanket, we're wrapped in, and gets lo...st in the new texture. Everything is an experience.

Today Thomas can sit up alone, roll over both ways, briefly stand unassisted, he can carry a conversation and get your attention with a yell. Thomas can blow raspberries and loves to laugh, he makes faces and growls, he cuddles and falls asleep in my arms. Thomas has tried carrots and sweet potatoes, apple sauce and just last night shared my ice cream cone.

He amazes me constantly and I truly miss him when he's gone, even just to sleep. He is wild and crazy, rough and tumble. He is growing into MY little boy. He's sat in a high chair at a restaurant, slept over at grandmas house, endured puppy kisses and barks, sprouted a tooth and learned his name.

He does make me crazy at times, but so does his dad.

We've celebrated thanksgiving, Christmas and smooched at midnight on New Year's Eve.

I truly love the little man with every part of my swelled heart.

 

 

We were happier before we started doing it right.

I recently found out I was doing almost everything wrong, from eating to sleeping. Now I am doing everything as suggested by experts and we're all miserable. 

Last night I cried (along with Thomas) for an hour after he wouldn't go to sleep. Normally after that time I would whip out a boob and comfort us both, but I'm not supposed to depend on the boob for comfort (why the heck not?!? It's always available!). I tried to comfort him without picking him up, which feels so unnatural, until hour number two when I said 'fuck it' and scooped up my crying bed. He curled into and settled; within 10 minutes he was asleep. WHY COULDNT I DO THIS 120 MINUTES AGO?!?! 

Apparently it sends the wrong message.

We had had the day from hell where I worked NOT to response to his cries, NOT to pick him up and NOT to carry him around with me... All things we both enjoy. All things that resulted in a smiling baby and Mummy for most of the day. 

Avoiding all those 'bad things' meant we both cried a lot, no one slept and we both doubted the bond! He's only 3 months for Christ sake! 

Argh! I've read all the books, articles and blogs... My gut says it's too soon to detach, but my doctor (whom I trust after 18 years) thinks it's time.

I am done asking for advice, comparing Thomas to my friends perfect babies and doing anything that doesn't feel natural.

I am ok with a happy baby that loves to cuddle.

No more tears...

Help me!

I thought Thomas and I were doing great, he's a big boy means he's eating well, despite some upsets. He's sleeping mostly through the night (9:30p - 7:30a with 2 or 3 wakings). He's still just little...

Yesterday I called our pediatrician because I had some concerns about his nursing; he seemed to be frustrated/angry after only 6 minutes of eating. I tried different positions and different breasts, nothing would ease his cries. She suggested I weigh him and if he was gaining correctly, then not to concern myself with his new eating habits. She said we might just be getting more efficient. 

I weighed my 14 week old and he is 14lbs 14oz, which I thought was HUGE, but apparently he was following a larger arc and should weigh a little more. He's healthy, but she wants to discuss supplementing at our next appointment. I'm not against it, but I love breast feeding. I love bonding and cuddling and knowing I am the only one in the world that can provide for him. That being said he is a larger baby and it's not uncommon for supplementing to be necessary... Heck, my Mum did it with me. 

Then I asked about the amount of sleep he should be getting daily. I had read anywhere from 14-16 at this age. Thomas usually gets around 12 and that's with me pushing naps most of the day. This is when it was suggested we sleep train, because he should be going to bed earlier and sleeping longer. 

And here I was thinking we were doing great. Excelling even, with lots of new tricks everyday. 

I thought we could ease into it... Start with naps. Figure out 'self soothing' with naps and once that was mastered then work on the overnight.  

Thomas cried for 90minutes straight before I undid all of my patience scooped him up and cuddled him to sleep for an hour, because he was simply exhausted.

Now I am trying to figure out my next step, but I feel like every step is a miss step.

I think I should wait until the weekend when Richard and I can do it together, but in 11 days Thomas is going for his first over night with grandma and I don't want I put in all this work only for it to be undone in one evening. 

I just wish I knew what I was doing... I have no clue and that is more exhausting than the lack of sleep.

The indepth conversations

I used to spend all day basically talking to myself. I would even change my voice and reply for Thomas (because that's less weird). 

Mummy: good morning Buddy

Mummy Thomas: good morning Mummy, I had a wonderful sleep, did you?

Mummy: oh buddy.

But now I get a reply. A coo, a laugh, a moan or even a yell. It's always followed by a big smile as if he is truly pleased with himself (and he should be). Sometimes it evens sounds like words... My favorite is 'Muuuuuummmmm'.

He's growing up and changing SO fast every night we have a new trick to show Dad or a new story to share.

I am completely in love with this little boy, and finally believe he loves me too.

Now we just need to master sleep, falling asleep, staying asleep etc.